Until the 30 years, I have taken the long hair. Very long, I have Always been proud of my hair, a black, wavy, very grateful and shiny hair. Everybody has told me whenever it was one of my attractiveness, and for that reason, I never consented in cutting it, only a few.. For that time, i was very young . and contradicting the stories that I wrote and my own feelings, for my, to go to the barbershop, was a torture.
I made things so strange as to kiss me the hair and to say it goodbye in a silent ritual minutes before they cut it. In that time, my parents had to insist me, because I allowed it to grow and to grow, until sometimes having it, almost for the waist. I had an enormous collection of diadems, forks of colors, pins, accesories…I made all type of hairstyles, I curled it, I put on braids, …everything.
I never made myself main character of the stories that I wrote. There wasnt on my imagination.. The main characters were always, Martha, some boy that began me to attract or actors or singers that I liked. But in the stories, I never appeared.
My favorite ones were those of punishments, I suppose that it impacted me a lot what happened to Marina Estévez and it recreated her continually in my writings. I don’t conserve none of those first histories. It occurred so much panic to that somebody found them and read them that broke them in a thousand pieces five minutes after having written it.
It didn’t care.
They were in my mind.
I began to be interested in the military life, soldiers, the police…I began to be stop, hiding, in the windows of hairdressers for men.
I didn’t understand anything of that. It felt that when I made that type of things, was like queerly possessed by somebody who was not me. I only had certainty that needed to continue making it, and to maintain it in the most absolute secret. was already 14 years old, b I knew myself more . And I began to go out with boys.
I have always been very easily dreamer and during those years, I went out with several friends. Boys of the neighborhood, of the neighboring school, I liked the sons of my parent´s friends …Not too much until I made them main characters of some of my stories. When it introduced them in them, suddenly my desire toward them was shot. I was not able to understand why. However, I never thought that is making anything bad, I never thought that that that felt was harmful, or dangerous, or immoral. The only thing that had clearing was that it could not be discovered that that was something mine, impossible to share.
The plots of my writings, were changing. Now, those first boyfriends were the main characters, there were not children or women, only men in extreme situations who suffered and they were constantly sacrificed by my love. The plots for that time., were always very dramatic.
I began to keep all that wrote, I didnt broke anything. But I continued being afraid to be discovered. I always wrote with a very small letter, very close, it could hardly understand each other, the lines gathered one above other, and it crossed out those sentences that it considered accurately «too daring or dangerous». I hid the stories in a black portfolio, and to my best friend, I made him swear that if at some time I happened something, she would rescue that portfolio and she would destroy it without opening it. (Nowadays I continue thinking in what it would happen if happend something to me and, my brother, for example, revised my computer…)
I also began to try to give a sense to my writings. MI fantasies were the only thing that had and that was the only means of seeing them materialized, for that that in general, my form of writing them was always quite realistic. I didn’t get excited to write if the plot didn’t make a coherent sense, if it didn’t introduce you with detail in the situation, if the details were not explained, or the space was not described. My points of fascination were opening up. And I had to develop a great imagination to introduce my fetishism in the most diverse situations, in the most varied characters. Many of the environments repeated an and another time, although they always changed the dialogues, the reactions, the feelings…
I learned how to masturbate myself. And I also began to be it consents of my difficulties to get excited with the boys . I didn’t feel anything of what my friends counted me, so I decided to prove luck with boys with buzzed head, maybe this way it was able to stimulate me more. Were we at the end of the 80…a few poeple had buzzed head Only the Punks but I didn’t feel anything identified with them, and the boys that were making the military service…
There was an area of bars in my city, where the soldiers of a near headquarters used to meet. Evidently, I became assiduous of those bars. My eyes always settled in those boys who were more buzzed heads. Of course, they also had to have other charms, with that alone, it was not enough, but it supposed for my a card of perfect presentation. It was in these that I met Pablo.
I don’t have to say what the first thing that called my atention…he was totally bald, and it seemed shy and innocent. Both were very young boys, but I already knew how to make a boy to notice me, so in an occasion, his group of friends came closer to my group of friends, we present ourselves and that same night, we kiss each other in a bank of that square. Pablo was from a near town to my city, it only took some weeks fulfilling the military service and perfect era to give loose rein to my fantasies…
